Letter to an Estranged Spouse

By Anonymous


My husband,
Maybe someday you will understand that I married you imagining that all the romance and understanding, the love and care that you displayed originally, would endure. That was the reason why I fell in love. I also believed that we would make it work despite having nothing because we had each other.
I don’t dispute that you are a good person. You have a patience that I lack and some sterling qualities. You have taught me so much and I am thankful that you are my daughter’s father. Your love for her is so unwavering and perfect. I can only wish that you loved me in the same way.
Instead, I have to accept that our relationship will never be what I want. That you are more comfortable talking to your ex-girlfriend and work colleagues than me and that we will never ever have physical intimacy that most marriages enjoy, the easy banter, the sexual attraction, the friendship…
You forget the sacrifices that I have made to be with you and try to make this work- That our marriage is only a marriage in name. That my entire salary goes into the running of a household; that we have no physical intimacy because you don’t like it despite my belief that it is essential for a healthy marriage. You know that I wanted another child, a sibling for our little one despite not being able to afford it – I believed that it was a sacrifice that we needed to make, but you forget that merely sleeping next to each other doesn’t make a baby.
Sex and intimacy takes effort and that is something you are not willing to put into this marriage. Instead, you chose to speak to other women intimately, view pornography using your cell phone and ask for explicit photographs from strangers. I know I’m overweight and possibly unattractive to you, but I wasn’t always this way and I don’t have money to sort my issues out because I pour everything into the household. I forgave you these indiscretions but I can’t forget the pain and rejection.
I stay because I owe to it to my child and myself to make it work.  My child would be devastated if you weren’t a part of her life. I stay because I believe you will change, but you must understand I can’t go on loving someone who doesn’t love me.
The indifference and lack of conversation in our marriage is starting to kill me inside. The fact that you have a password on your phone bothers me tremendously. I forgave indiscretions previously, but I don’t think I can do it again. I don’t believe that you are entitled to privacy and password enabled phones in a marriage. It’s as simple as that. Everything should be an open-book in my opinion. All that can possibly be hidden are some of our thoughts especially when they are negative or hurtful towards our partners, but even those are allowed to be aired in a loving and mutually respectful setting that is a marriage of minds, bodies and souls.
You agreed to arrange marital counselling previously and that just fizzled out. I’m putting it in writing now – you had until the end of 2012 to sort out this mess and you didn’t do it, so I’m walking out on this marriage. I cannot live my life with someone who resents me and treats me badly. I will make a life for myself and my child. You will be welcome to visit her whenever you feel like it but I cannot subject myself to loving someone who doesn’t love me back or living with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
I am sorry but this needs to be said.
Maaf (sorry) for any pain caused.
Your wife.


PS – in June 2013, I found out that I was expecting my second (long awaited) baby.  A month later, in the blessed month of Ramadhaan, I walked out after many years of marriage.  After yet another situation where my husband was soliciting women online and looking at pornography for the umpteenth time – this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. There were no attempts at any reconciliation on his part. He is presently seeking therapy, but for me, it’s a case of “too little, too late”. After the initial disagreements and misunderstandings, we have a cordial and civil relationship because of our daughter and unborn baby, but I don’t see a future for us together. As trite as it may sound, I consider divorce the only way forward and I’m not prepared to reconcile for a number of reasons. May the Almighty accept his efforts to change, but I am no longer prepared to endure the emotional and financial abuse that characterised our marital relationship. It must be noted that my husband is NOT a bad person or parent. He simply has a bad addiction and some other habits which I dislike immensely. I was prepared to support him for many years but I have come to a point where my patience has worn thin and I need to think about the emotional and psychological implications for my children and me. A broken person cannot be fixed unless he chooses to fix himself. This is now his path to walk alone. It is difficult but he can do it if he chooses. As for me – I look forward to a new future with my little ones and much happiness and fun – a positive space without arguments, lowered self- esteem and an unhappy marriage. May Allah SWT make our respective journeys through life easier and guide us to the right path.


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