By Nolwazi Magidigidi
While I am truly happy single now, there was a time when I was not. There was a time when I was consumed with marriage, consumed with being in a relationship and burdened by the belief that finding the perfect guy would be the answer to all my pain. Like most women, I believed my life required someone else to make me happy and so that became the focus of my prayers. But, no matter how much I prayed, God would just not help me in that area. I was angry. I was sad. I was depressed for a long time because it seemed like all around me everyone was happy and in love, but yet I was doomed to this perpetual torture of loneliness. I stayed in bad relationships just to avoid the pain of being alone, I chased men who were emotionally unavailable and sub-par at best, convinced that if I could “make” them change and love me, then that would prove I was lovable and worthy.
We are influenced by so much more than we realize.
Through social media and pop culture we are inundated by images of the seemingly elusive handsome guy who drops every other woman and chooses that one girl because somehow she proved to him she was better than all the rest. And so, without a spiritual understanding of love and marriage, we believe we have to fight for love. We believe we have to compete for a man’s attention and that there is something we must do to prove to him that we are worth his time. For some of us, this was the household we grew up in. We watched our mothers, grandmothers and aunts fight to “keep” their men at home. We watched them suffer through infidelity, disrespect, and all types of abuse all in the name of love. And if by chance he happened to stay and they managed to build some kind of a life together, then the woman “won.” And this message, though unspoken, gets passed on to to our daughters -generation after generation so much so that it becomes normal and our brokenness and broken families are now accepted.
We don’t even realize how much we are bleeding. We are continuously struggling with the same issues: Accepting disrespect but calling it love, sacrificing our lives trying to mend broken men, jumping from one relationship to the other with no sense of self and no spiritual concept or understanding of who we are. We end up raising daughters who think like us, look like us. We’re raising sons who are exactly like the men who hurt us and yet we are frustrated as to why the cycle never gets broken.
And at the end of it all, defeated, the question we ask is – Why can’t I just find someone good, who loves me for me?
We believe somehow our dilemma is linked to a problem far removed from us: a scarcity of “good men” or because all men are womanizers and lazy or because all the good men are taken – never realizing that the problem is within us. It never occurs to us that our greatest roadblock is WITHIN our pathology – the thought patterns that have been passed on to us by those who raised us, the behavior patterns we’ve adopted that are now so ingrained in the fiber of who we are that we don’t even realize where we err – and TV.
Truth is our issue is so simple yet, if unchecked, becomes so complex: We don’t truly know God and we don’t fully know who we are. We are living lives that have been handed down to us, perpetuating the cycle of brokenness and calling God in only where we believe he should fit.
Many of us have never taken the time to examine ourselves – to sit with ourselves with brutal honesty and admit that we’ve been making the same mistakes over and over each time only choosing a different face with a different name. We’ve never looked inside ourselves and admitted that we are afraid of whatever it is that we fear – afraid of being alone, afraid of turning out like our mother, afraid of being a single mom or just afraid of what people may say about us and so we make choices based on an image we’d like to project rather than based on the truth of who we are.
So this is just a little reminder that, even without title, THE RING and the dream job, you matter, you’re are God’s beautiful creation and were created for a purpose which He still expects you to pursue.
About the author
Nolwazi is 26 years old and lives with her mom and little sister. She has recently become the mom of a beautiful baby boy. After completing matric in the Eastern Cape she moved on to study a Bcom degree, but was unfortunately unable to complete it. She volunteers at different schools, working with children and is currently a student at North West University pursuing her dream of becoming a counsellor and psychologist. Nolwazi has a passion for writing and people and hopes to one day publish a book in an aim to help others.